Helping Others Cope

What you can do and say to help

Every person is unique in the way he or she handles the loss of a loved one. While the grieving process is different for each of us, we all experience some common feelings as we work toward healing from our loss.

Our responses to the different feelings that occur during the grieving process are often described as “stages.” These stages are not tied down to “real time”, and people do not necessarily move in and out of the stages in an orderly, straightforward manner. Stages can last for minutes or hours. It is not unusual to move into and out of one stage and then to another, and cycle back again to the first one. You may find yourself repeating this process a number of times as you continue to work through your grief.

There are five commonly observed stages that people experience during the grieving process. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

At the beginning, you may feel a sense of detachment, shock, or numbness. You may even wonder why you are not more upset over your loss. This feeling of disconnection is a survival response. It is simply nature's way of helping you to continue to function on a basic level while under extreme stress. Denial is a tool that unconsciously enables you to do the things that are necessary to carry on with your life in the days immediately following your loss.

Anger provides a bridge of connection from the initial numbness of grief. You may find yourself angry at the doctors, your family, the loved one who died, or at God. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Your anger is connected to your pain. The more you truly allow yourself to feel your anger alongside the pain, the more it will diminish, and the more you will heal.

Before and after a loss, you may feel like you would have done anything if only your loved one would be spared. “If only” and “what if” becomes a recurrent thought. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. You may wonder if you could have done anything differently so that your loved one might still be alive. You may try to second-guess the doctors and yourself. You may revert to living in the past to avoid the pain of the present.

After bargaining, feelings of emptiness and grief present themselves on a deeper level. This depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. When a loss fully settles in your soul, and you realize that your loved one is not coming back, feelings of deep sadness (depression) are normal. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be very unusual. Depression is a necessary step toward healing.

Eventually you come to terms with your bereavement as you move into the acceptance stage of grief. At this point, the loss has become part of your story and your history. It does not consume your life in the same way it did to begin with. With acceptance comes increased peace. As you move through this stage, you will find yourself once more interested in and able to enjoy some of the things that you formerly liked to do. You may develop new interests and relationships. You have learned to live with your loss in a way that is constructive and healing.

How long am I going to feel this way?

Every person is different, and so is their grief. Each person will follow a different path toward healing. Although there is no right or wrong amount of time to complete the grieving process, many experts agree that it is not unusual to take at least a year to move through the grieving process. 

Complicated Grief

The duration of the mourning process can also be influenced by your relationship to the deceased, the amount of support you receive, and other factors.

Sometimes the healing process may become disrupted or delayed if other events or traumatic losses have previously occurred in a person’s life. This may be especially true if the other loss is relatively recent, or has never been fully processed in and of itself. This grief experience is known as “complicated grief.” People who are dealing with this type of grief may benefit by working with professionals who are trained in dealing with complex grief issues.

If, after some time has passed, you find your grief is still persistent and disruptive to the point where it impacts your daily functions, please seek professional counseling.

How to help others cope

How to help others cope

When the death of a loved one occurs, it not only affects the survivors, but the friends of the survivors. We hear questions all the time such as, “What can I do to help them?” or “What should I say?” Trained professionals, clergy, relatives, and close personal friends find it difficult to console someone close to you who has suffered a loss. We have put together some helpful suggestions you can do to help your loved one or friend through a difficult time, as well as etiquette words to say or not to say.

DOWNLOAD GUIDE NOW

Before the funeral you can…

  • Offer to notify the survivor’s family and friends about funeral arrangements
  • Help answering the phone and greeting visitors
  • Keep a record of everyone who calls, visits or has been contacted
  • Help coordinate the food and drink supply for family and visitors
  • Offer to pick up friends and family at the airport. Arrange housing or referrals to appropriate, nearby hotels or motels
  • Offer to provide transportation for out-oftown visitors
  • Help him or her keep the house cleaned and the dishes washed
  • House-sit to prevent burglaries during the funeral and visitations

After the funeral you can…

  • Prepare or provide dinner on a day that is mutually acceptable
  • Offer to help with yard chores such as watering or pruning
  • Feed and exercise the pets, if any
  • Write notes offering encouragement and support
  • Offer to drive or accompany him or her to the cemetery regularly
  • Offer to house sit, so the survivor can take a restful vacation, or visit family or friends out of town
  • Make a weekly run to the grocery store, laundry, or cleaners
  • Help with the Thank You notes and/or other correspondence
  • Anticipate difficult periods such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and the day of death
  • Always mention the deceased by name and encourage reminiscing

Condolence Visit

Upon learning of a death, close friends of the bereaving family, if possible, should visit the family’s home to offer sympathy and assistance – this is sometimes referred to as a condolence visit. It may include helping with food preparation and child care. The visit can take place any time within the first few weeks of death, and may be followed with one or more additional visits, depending on the circumstances and your relationship with the family.

Share Memories

In addition to expressing sympathy, it is appropriate, if desired, to relate to family members your fond memories of the deceased. In some cases friends and family members may simply want you to be a good listener to their expressions of grief or memories of the deceased. In most circumstances it is not appropriate to inquire as to the cause of death.

Show Your Respect

It is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased if the body is present and the casket is open. You may wish to say a silent prayer for, or meditate about, the deceased at this time. In some cases the family may escort you to the casket.

Conservative Dress

As with other aspects of modern day society funeral dress codes have relaxed somewhat. Black dress is no longer required. Instead subdued or darker hues should be selected, the more conservative the better. After the funeral the family often receives invited visitors to their home for friendship and support.

Visit with Others

The length of your stay at the visitation or funeral/graveside service or reception is a matter of discretion. After visiting with the family and viewing the deceased you can visit with others in attendance. Normally there is a register for visitors to sign and the family generally appreciates it if you would sign it.

Memorial Contributions

Charitable gifts in memory of the deceased are often made, particularly when the family has requested gifts to be made in lieu of flowers. The family is notified of the gifts by personal note from the donor or by the charity or other organization. In the latter case the donor provides the family’s name and address to the charity at the time the gift is made.

Send a Note or Card

Even if you don’t send flowers or make a charitable contribution, a note or card to the deceased’s family expressing your thoughts of the deceased is a welcomed gesture, especially if you weren’t able to attend the funeral. It is important to let the bereaved know you are thinking of them.

Sympathy

It’s hard to know what to say during a difficult time. Some things to remember when expressing sympathy include:


  • Sympathy is much more about listening than talking.
  • Know that each person grieves in his or her own way and that there is no ‘right’ way to grieve.
  • You don’t need to know exactly what the person is going through (i.e. what it’s like to have someone close to you die) to express sympathy. A simple thing like making eye contact with them can help you understand what they are feeling and help you to find the right thing to say, even if that’s just, “I’m not sure I know what to say to you.”
  • Avoid platitudes when speaking or writing to them. Don’t say, “I know just how you feel,” “Time heals all wounds” or “Into every life, some rain must fall.” These phrases often come
    across as insincere.
  • Some families can be so overcome with grief and so overwhelmed at the time of the funeral that they may not immediately remember who you are. Don’t take this personally and be prepared to help them with the names of your spouse, children, etc.
  • On the other hand, you may be in a situation where you need to talk to the deceased’s spouse and other close relatives whom you don’t know. Find out from others their names and how
    they are related to the deceased.

How to go about expressing sympathy.

While a personal greeting is a great way to connect with the bereaved, a well thought out personal letter to the grieving family expressing your honest feelings about the deceased is a wonderful way to express sympathy. They’re going to be seeing a lot of people over the first couple of weeks following a death and it can be overwhelming. A letter can be held onto and it may provide comfort to the grieving in the weeks and months after the funeral is over and the chaos has settled down. This is when the loss of their beloved (and the attendant loneliness) really sets in.

What to say or write: If you can’t think of anything to write, it’s perfectly okay to use simple phrases such as:

  • “I am very sorry for your loss.”
  • “I am praying for you.”
  • You can also suggest ways that you can help, by using questions with a yes or no answer. For example ask, “Do you need a babysitter for the grandkids?” or, “Would it help if we brought you a meal?” You can help in many different, imaginative ways. Don’t forget that planning a funeral is a difficult, expensive, and potentially overwhelming process. If you know something about one particular aspect of funeral planning, your knowledge could be a great way to help ease the burden of loss. Remember, sympathy is just another word for offering support.

Expressing Sympathy

Cards and flowers are the most popular forms of expressing sympathy, but it’s increasingly accepted and understood that there are a wide variety of ways to express your thoughts at the time of a funeral. Funerals, as a celebration of someone’s life and a commemoration of their passing, are becoming more personal, as family and friends become more involved. Funeral homes and families are much more open to originality of expression than they once were. It’s understood that people deal with death and grief in different ways and that mourning is an individual as well as a group process. Funeral directors have seen teenagers wearing T-shirts with their friends’ pictures on them; car shows and poker runs have become popular forms of memorial. You can even buy small gifts like ornaments or knick-knacks, or you can make something of your own, to comfort the bereaved. As the concept of funerals begins to change, there are also a growing number of unique new ways of expressing sympathy.

Sympathy Gift Baskets

One accepted means of offering sympathy is to send a gift basket. There are a number of gift basket companies that make sympathy gift baskets, which can often be personalized for the person to whom you are sending it. You can fill the baskets with items that the bereaved will need immediately following the funeral, like food or bath products, or you can shape the basket around objects that memorialize the deceased.

Give a Tree

There are new, unconventional ways of commemorating those who have passed on and showing sympathy to those they have left behind. For example, Treegivers has been planting trees of commemoration since 1981. For someone who’s environmentally-minded, having a tree (or several trees) planted in their honor might make the perfect sympathy gift. Living memorials are also a way to guarantee that the memory of the deceased will live on for a long time.

Email Sympathy Cards

Today, it’s not uncommon for people to send cards via email for a variety of occasions. While email cards are inappropriate if you’re close to the family or for most age groups, younger people who spend their time on the internet and communicate through email (especially if they’re distant acquaintances) may welcome this expression. In most instances a conventional sympathy card is likely to be more appreciated.

Do NOT say:

  • “I know just how you feel.”
  • “Time heals all wounds.”
  • “Aren’t you happy he’s in heaven?” or
    “You’re lucky they are in heaven with God.”
  • “Be thankful he was not aware at the end.”
    or “They had a good life.”
  • “Things will be back to normal in a month or two.”
  • “Now you need to get on with your life.”
  • “He was only a baby – you really didn’t get that attached to him.”
  • “Your mother was pretty old – did you think she’d
    live forever?” or “She was only your friend.”    
  • “You can’t stay sad forever.” or “He wouldn’t want you to be sad.” or “God has a plan and knows what is best for us.” or “Well, at least you have some closure.”

Because:

  • No one can truly know what another feels.
  • Time alone does not heal the pain.
  • This fails to honor the deep suffering of the bereaved. Although they may be comforted by their faith, the pain of missing loved ones is the present reality.
  • This observes the death from our perspective, not from that of the bereaved. This discounts the grieving person’s pain.
  • This puts limits on a person’s grief
  • Each person needs to grieve in his or her own time and way.
  • We cannot judge the depth of the relationship one person has for another.
  • Each person is irreplaceable.
  • You deny the fact that being sad and expressing strong emotions are a very necessary part of healing.