The Problem with the Concept of “Closure” in Grief
The definition of closure refers to closing something—a sense of resolution or conclusion. It implies a satisfying sense of finality. On the surface, these words seem clear and straightforward. However, when applied to the grieving process, “closure” becomes far more complicated.
Consider this: telling someone who has experienced the crushing loss of a loved one, “Well, at least you have closure,” can feel dismissive and minimizing. Over time, the term “closure” has become embedded in the language of grief, but not always for good reasons. It suggests that there’s a definitive point where mourning ends and healing begins. But is that really the case?
For example, think about parents who lose a child to abduction and murder. Does finding the child’s body really give them closure? Similarly, imagine telling grieving parents, “At least you still have two other children.” These statements are deeply hurtful because they invalidate the enormity of their loss and the complexity of their grief.
Why Do People Say Hurtful Things?
Why would someone say something so insensitive when trying to console a grieving person? The answer is simple: society has largely lost its ability to have difficult conversations about emotions. For many, processing intense feelings—especially sadness, fear, and loss—is uncomfortable. Vulnerability feels risky, so we avoid it. And if we can’t acknowledge our own emotions, how can we engage meaningfully with someone else’s grief?
When faced with another person’s deep sorrow, many feel overwhelmed and uncertain about what to say. But here’s the truth: there’s no magic phrase that will make the pain go away. The key is not to overthink it. Instead of searching for perfect words, focus on empathy. Imagine yourself in their shoes, and speak from the heart.
What to Say Instead
Avoid making comments that attempt to soften or minimize the loss. Instead, acknowledge the gravity of their pain and offer genuine support.
Here are a few examples of helpful statements:
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but please know I’m here for you.”
“Jim/Jane was such a caring and funny person. Their loss is truly heartbreaking. I’m here if you ever want to talk.”
“I don’t know what to say—this is so sad. Please know I care about you and want to support you in any way I can.”
These statements validate the grieving person’s emotions and offer a connection without trying to “fix” their pain.
The Takeaway
The moral of this message is simple: be yourself when supporting someone who has lost a loved one. Don’t focus too much on finding the perfect words. Instead, prioritize the connection. Be real, be honest, and be present in their grief journey.
And above all, if you take away one thing from this article, remember: don’t say, “Well, at least you have closure.”
Sincerely,
Mike O’Connell
O’Connell Family Funeral Homes
