Etiquette? What do you mean by Etiquette?
One of the most Googled questions when it comes to funerals and gatherings revolves around etiquette.
Etiquette, by definition, is the customary code of polite behavior. I love the word “polite” to describe this behavior. Polite means showing behavior that is respectful and considerate of others.
Other synonyms would be cultured, refined, and thoughtful. This has become a hot topic in the funeral industry. Unfortunately, it is sometimes overlooked, leading to scenarios that detract from the dignity of these events. Thus highlighting the need for renewed focus on respectful conduct during these important gatherings.
Why is Etiquette Crucial at Funerals?
To emphasize the importance of etiquette, let’s go back to the description of being thoughtful and considerate. Families have experienced the loss of someone very special to them. They are hurting and are very sensitive. We do not need to divert needed attention away from their grief journey by our behavior. By being insensitive to their grief in any way, we diminish their feelings and their critical need for support.
Eye-Opening Encounters in Funeral Services
Now, very few people go to gatherings with the hope of drawing undue attention to themselves. Sadly, I could write a book and easily devote a chapter to the ridiculous things people do at visitations. The vast majority of people have good intentions and are a blessing to those they come to see at services. Unfortunately, others fail to make the best decisions when it comes to supporting those they have come to see at funerals.
So, for the sake of clarity and education, let’s go over a few items that would go against the norms of etiquette. First, dress appropriately. Yep, that means no bikinis and preferably no pajamas. It’s not a nightclub, so no need for excessively short shorts or low cut tops. Some of you are mumbling, “that’s obvious.” Well, like I said, I could write a book with my stories. Next, please, “a little dab will do ya.” No need to douse yourself in cologne or perfume. Many people are very sensitive to strong smells too. Remember, people in grief have heightened senses!
We live in a fast-paced society and we are always on the go; sometimes we are in a hurry to go nowhere. With that in mind, please do not take phone calls or for that matter, talk on your cell phones while waiting in line to visit the family. Yes, there are emergencies, but picking up a bag of ice or other grocery items on the way home is not one of them. And please, for the love of God, do not under any circumstance interrupt talking to the deceased’s family to take a phone call! Yep, I’ve seen that too! It is actually a good practice to silence your phone while at the gathering or funeral. Another no-no is talking during a funeral when sitting amongst others or even in the back when you don’t think others can hear you. Sound seems to travel much louder at funerals and talking can be very distracting to those there to remember someone special.
Funeral Etiquette 101: What to Avoid
- Dress Code: No bikinis or pajamas—this isn’t a nightclub. Dress conservatively.
- Scent Sensitivity: Go easy on the cologne or perfume. Grieving individuals may be more sensitive to strong smells.
- Phone Etiquette: Avoid taking calls or talking on your phone. Emergencies aside, social calls can wait.
- Respectful Silence: Keep quiet during the service. Conversations, even whispered, can be disruptive.
- Time Management: Be considerate of how long you spend with the grieving family; others are waiting too.
- Conversation Topics: Steer clear of controversial topics like politics. Avoid criticizing the service or officiant.
- Personal Space: If unsure about physical comfort levels, ask if someone would like a hug rather than assuming.
By respectfully participating in funeral services, you demonstrate deep support. Remember, while your presence won’t erase grief, it significantly reassures the bereaved that they are not alone.
Be aware of the time you are spending with the family as other people are looking forward to saying hi to them as well. These next suggestions one would think are no brainers, but once again, reality sets in. Please do not feel the need to bring uncomfortable topics into the conversation; such as politics. Do not make disparaging comments about the service itself, the pastor, or length of the funeral as that could be very offending to the survivors.
The Comfort Zone
Lastly, personal space can be a huge issue for many people when receiving guests. So many people are out of their comfort zone when it comes to visitations. When unsure if someone would like a hug, just ask. Rather than saying, “Can I give you a hug? (which can be intimidating), ask in a different way; “Would you like a hug?” That will empower them to decide if they want one or not.
The Impact of Thoughtful Participation
By thoughtfully participating in funeral services, you profoundly demonstrate your support. Your presence is a powerful reassurance to the bereaved, affirming they are not alone in their grief. Remember, actions often speak louder than words.
This sensitive approach to funeral etiquette, penned by Mike O’Connell , aims to ensure that all attendees provide the most support through respectful behavior.
